


...But Then I'd Have To Shoot You!

by Morgan (morgan32)



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-07-19
Updated: 2009-07-19
Packaged: 2017-10-02 10:59:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morgan32/pseuds/Morgan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack suspects he's in another parallel universe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	...But Then I'd Have To Shoot You!

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, it's a cliche. I wrote this in response to a hateful little story posted on one of the Gen lists, in which the team "discovered" slash fiction - it ended with Teal'c destroying the computer and was accompanied by an author's note explaining that being gay is against God's law. I figured someone needed to balance that out; hence this fic.

"Anyone for coffee?" Daniel called brightly as he walked into Jack's office.

Jack's reaction surprised him. The Colonel flipped the folder on his desk closed so fast the sound echoed off the grey walls. His head jerked up and he stared at Daniel. "What?!"

Daniel raised one of the mugs he was carrying. "Coffee? You know  hot beverage designed to get bored Colonels through a day of paperwork."

Jack stared at him a moment more, then seemed to realise what Daniel had said. "Oh. Um ... yeah. That'd be great."

Daniel placed one mug in front of his friend and took a seat on the opposite side of the desk. He couldn't help stealing a look at the folder Jack had slammed shut. It looked like just another mission report. And there was a pile of them on Jack's desk.

"Jack, do you have to go through _all_ of these?"

Jack scowled. "Yes. ASAP." He drank some coffee. "Danny, do you think it's possible that when we came back from the P2-whatever-it-was, we ended up in another of those parallel universe thingies?"

"It's not very likely." Daniel's reply was automatic, but then he wondered why Jack would ask. "Jack ... do you have any reason to think ... "

"Either something weird is going on, or I'm going senile." Jack pointed at the stack of mission reports in front of him. "Every single one of these has my signature on it. But I don't remember writing them. I don't even remember these missions!"

"Huh? How could you report on a mission you don't remember?"

"Hey, you're the brains around here."

Daniel reached for one of the folders. "Well, let me  "

"No!" Jack made a grab for the folders and missed: the stack scattered, a number of them falling onto the floor. "Oh for cryin' out loud ... No, Daniel, don't touch them. I'll do it."

Daniel did as he was told, but he was confused. He watched Jack gather up the fallen papers and stack them roughly on the desk again. "Jack, what's wrong? How can I help you if you won't let me read the reports?"

Jack grimaced. "I guess you can't. But, Danny, if you read what's in some of these, I'm gonna have to shoot you."

When Jack said something like that, it wasn't usually a joke. And Daniel didn't think he was joking this time, either. He swallowed. "I thought you said they were mission reports. SG-1?"

Jack nodded.

"Then what's the problem? I'm _on_ SG-1, remember? There can't be anything in there I don't already know."

"Not the point."

He was going to have to resort to blackmail, Daniel realised. He hated to do it to Jack, though. He stood up, abandoning his coffee. "Whatever you say, Jack. I'll just go chat with the Doctor, okay?"

Jack's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "What about?"

"About your memory loss and paranoid delusions." Daniel shrugged and started for the door, knowing Jack would never let him reach it.

"Hold it right there, Jackson!"

With a grin, Daniel turned around. "Yes, Colonel?"

"Get your ass in that chair."

Daniel obeyed.

"You want to read this stuff?"

"I want to _help_ you, Jack. You said you don't remember these missions. Well, if I remember them, we go to the infirmary. If I don't, we know it's some sort of trick. Okay?"

Reluctantly, Jack nodded. "Okay. But I warn you, if you tell _anyone_ what's in these reports, I'll ... "

" ... Have to shoot me. You said that already." Daniel reached for the folder on the top of the stack. What on earth could have Jack so keyed up? He opened the folder. He started to read.

He got halfway through and reached for the next one. "I certainly don't remember _that_, Jack." The next one was no better. "If I'd ever been hurt this badly, I'm sure I'd remember it. God ... can a man really survive that?" Next one. "O-kay ... it's Sam who's been trashed in this one. But ... oh, boy!" He felt himself blushing and looked up at Jack. "I didn't know Sam and Janet were ... "

"They're not. Not in the world I know, anyway. Keep reading."

Daniel went through half of the files in record time. If SG-1 had got into this many scrapes they'd have been kicked out of the program. Not to mention how many regulations Jack and Sam were breaking: according to the reports Sam was either sleeping with Jack, or with Janet. Janet!

He began to suspect a serious conspiracy.

Worried, Daniel opened the next report. In minutes he was blushing again. He cleared his throat awkwardly. "Er ... Jack ... have you ... er ... read this one?"

Jack glanced at the cover. "Nope. I hadn't got to that one yet. What's in it?"

"Well ... er ... it's about Teal'c. And me. I swear to you, Jack, I've never done _that_!"

Jack reached for the folder. His eyes went wide as he scanned it. "Geez ... this isn't funny any more. Is that even physically possible?"

"Not for me, it isn't!" Daniel declared, still blushing furiously.

Jack picked up the last unread folder. "Who the hell would include a post-mission shower in a report?!" he grumbled. Then, "Oh. Um. Er."

"What?"

"Um. Danny ... "

Daniel got up and walked around the desk to read over Jack's shoulder. A report of a shower? Suddenly he was leaning on the desk for support. "Oh." He gulped. "Well, I guess this proves these reports are faked somehow. We wouldn't have forgotten if we'd ever ... oh, boy." Jack turned the page as the description became even more detailed.

"Well ... " He turned to Daniel, whose face was only inches from his own at the time. " ... It sounds like we were having fun."

"Fun! That's ... that's ... " Daniel, lost for words, turned to Jack in appeal, only to be caught in the intense gaze of deep brown eyes. "I mean ... it does sound like ... um ... "

"Fun," Jack supplied.

"Yeah. I guess."

"Wanna try it?"

Daniel glanced at the "report" again. "Um ... with or without Teal'c?"


End file.
